Jokes about magic and magicians

Magicians love a good laugh — even when it’s at their own expense. Here are some magician jokes for your entertainment.magician jokes

How many magicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One hundred – one to actually do it, four to tell him his flashed, and 95 to claim they’ve developed a better handling.

How many magicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but soon they’re all doing it. 

How do you get a magician to show you 100 card tricks? Ask to see one.

A juggler dies and is sent to Hell. As he is being led to his place of eternal torment, he sees a magician doing card tricks for two beautiful woman. “What a rip-off,” the juggler muttered. “I have to suffer for all of eternity, and that magician gets to spend his time doing card tricks for beautiful women!” Satan snarled: “Who are you to question these women’s punishment?”

When I was a child, my mother asked me what job I thought I  might like. I said, “When I grow up, I want to be a magician.” She said, “You can’t do both.”

I once told my mother, “I have half a mind to become a magician.” She said, “That should be enough.”

What’s the difference between a savings bond and a magician? One of them will eventually mature and start earning money.

How do you get a professional magician off your doorstep? Pay for the pizza.

What’s the difference between a magician and a pizza? One of them can feed a family of four.

What’s the difference between a magician and a woodpecker? One is loud, annoying and hard to get rid of. The other one is a bird.

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, the wife yelled, “How did you do that?” The magician gave a standard answer: “I could tell you ma’am, but then I’d have to kill you.” After a short pause, she yelled back, “Okay, then… just tell my husband!”

What’s the difference between a magician’s assistant and an onion? People cry when they’re chopping up an onion.

An amateur magician accidentally turns his wife into a loveseat and his two kids into armchairs. He starts to panic. He tries every trick in book but none work so, in desperation, he decides to take them to hospital. Once at the hospital, the magician spends a sleepless night while the medical staff run numerous tests on the unfortunate woman and children. Finally, the head doctor comes out into the corridor to speak to the magician. “How are my family?” he asks worriedly, “Are they alright?” The doctor replies, “they’re comfortable…”

Harry Houdini used to use trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.

If Houdini were alive today, what would be be doing? Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Penn and Teller are like a married couple. Only one of them gets to talk.

My arrogant brother said he could easily do the “bullet catch” trick. That’s the last time he’ll shoot his mouth off.

Did you hear about the drunk magician? He was walking down the street and turned into a bar.

A short fortune teller escaped from jail, prompting the police to issue a warning of a “small medium at large.”

A man comes home from work one day and finds his dog holding his magician neighbor’s rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is clearly dead. The man doesn’t want his neighbor to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath. He blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into its cage next door, hoping the magician will think the rabbit died of natural causes. A few days later, the two neighbors are talking and the magician asks the guy, “Did you hear that my magic rabbit died?” The man says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?” The magician replies, “I just found him dead in his cage one day, but the day after I buried him I went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some really sick people out there!”

Do you have any favorite magician jokes? Share them in the comments.

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